Facing perceived failures has been a lifelong struggle. From hiding my report cards to throwing out credit card bills unopened, I have classically failed to look my perceived failures in the eye.
Instead, I chose to adopt the mantra, “Just keep running.” “If I don’t acknowledge it, it must not exist.”
It is not an easy road back to a clean slate.
Shame 🔗
Not being able to look at failure directly has a name: Shame.
When I made mistakes (according to my risk-averse parents), they said, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” They were concerned that I would be unable to fit in and to succeed. Ironically, their gift of shame had the opposite effect.
I stagnated, fearing what I thought was well-deserved shame.
Shame is the most effective way to destroy progress.
It stifles our willingness to experiment. It discourages us from making mistakes. It eradicates our ability to learn: to acknowledge, accept, and change.
And the worst thing about shame is that it compounds.
Fear 🔗
Shame grows exponentially until it looks like something else: Fear.
We become pessimistic and only capable of seeing the downside and not the upside. We become “normal” and only capable of fitting in and not standing out. We become disconnected from the human experience and only capable of stifling emotion and not experiencing it.
It’s miserable.
How to Stay the Course 🔗
Just like the journey out of credit card debt, it’s a long road.
Some strategies to weather the bumps, the twists, the turns, getting lost, finding your way back, and everything else in between:
- Decide on the most important things you need to eliminate, then ruthlessly defend yourself from them.
- Decide on milestones to celebrate and celebrate heartily, but don’t celebrate all of them.
- Decide on achievable behaviors to support your journey; these behaviors minimize stress and maximize sleep.
It will look like you’re doing hardly anything in the beginning.
That’s how it works for everyone.
Progress is exponential. It is a tiny investment everyday. Then, one day, you’ll look back and suddenly realize you’re on the other side of it.
Shame will one day be a faint memory.